Falling Slowly
by FenZev
Summary: As Hawke struggles with the decisions of her past, an unlikely source of comfort offers her answers to the many questions that have plagued her since Kirkwall. DAI/AU story (expect spoilers, but chapters will have warnings as well).
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: Spoilers for DAI Here Lies the Abyss. Not in this first chapter, but eventually. I'll warn you again when we reach the major spoiler moment. This chapter contains slight spoiler for In Hushed Whispers.**_

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><p>"You look tired," Cullen said to her as they walked along the battlements to his office. Her once impeccable black hair was twisted in a sloppy bun atop her head. The circles under her eyes had grown darker over the months, and her armor appeared to have taken more than it was meant to withstand. He remembered a time when her soft blue eyes were warm and inviting, but they had lost their light. "When is the last time you've slept?"<p>

She smiled weakly as she looked up at him. "The night before the man I loved destroyed the Chantry, and sent all of us on this impossible journey? Kind of difficult to sleep after that."

"Hawke…" he began.

"Yeah, well, you look like shit too," she countered, her grin widening.

Cullen returned her smile and invited her into his office. Hawke settled into the chair by his desk, and brushed away random strands of hair from her face. "Seems like you're doing well here. Plenty of respect, no crazy boss glowing red and bringing statues to life."

"Yes, I dare say it's a nice change of pace," Cullen said as he leaned against the corner of his desk. "I know you coming here wasn't easy. Thank you."

Hawke shrugged. "Apparently Varric was feeling lonely. And maybe I feel a bit responsible for this whole mess, considering I thought Corypheus dead. Might as well try and make it right if I can."

"There's no way you could've known…" he began.

"Don't," Hawke interrupted. "I know you feel the same about Meredith so just don't. No need for platitudes among friends, right? I'm here to do whatever it takes, by any means necessary. It's not like I have much of a life now that…" she trailed off, unable to continue her thought. _Now that Anders is dead._

"No interest in helping the rebel mages?" Cullen asked. "There are many here who could use your assistance. They don't entirely trust Fiona after what happened in Redcliffe. They need a leader, one they can trust."

Hawke shook her head. "That was always his cause, not mine," she said of Anders. "The Inquisition protects them now. What comes of their future is up to the Inquisitor, not me. Besides, I am hardly the stunning example of a leader these days. I spend most of my time doing things that are frowned upon by other mages, and their former jailers."

Cullen raised a brow and shifted his stance. "Such as?"

Hawke laughed. "Don't look at me like that. You're a friend, not a templar, remember?"

"If you are in some kind of trouble," Cullen began.

"No trouble, promise," Hawke told him. "Let's just say I'm searching for answers in unconventional ways."

"Why does that not put me at ease?" Cullen asked.

"Truth?" Hawke asked. Cullen nodded as he folded his arms across his chest. "Truth is I've been spending most of my time in the Fade. Tempting fate perhaps, but it's something I feel I must do, to try and find some closure to all of this mess."

Cullen gave her a disapproving glance. "You don't need me to tell you how dangerous that sounds. What is it you're hoping to find?"

Hawke turned away, unable to look him in the eye as she responded. "Justice," she whispered. "The spirit of Justice, or Vengeance, whatever it may be now." Her hands gripped the arms of the chair as she resisted the need to cry, to release the sadness that still welled within her. "Anders may be gone, but Justice… I just need to talk to him."

He walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "I think I may know someone who can help."

**.~**~**~* *~**~**~.**

Hawke tapped lightly on the open door. "Solas?" she asked hesitantly. "Do you have a moment?"

Solas glanced at her over his shoulder to put a face to the voice, then completely turned when he saw it was the Champion of Kirkwall. "I do. Please, come in."

Her steps were slow as she entered what had been rumored around Skyhold to be _his_ space. Some books, a desk with scattered parchment, hardly a place of his own but still occupied. The entranceway she had come through from the battlements was one of three, all open. No privacy.

"I must admit I am curious," Solas said as he watched her survey the room. "You were the last person I thought would seek me out this late at night."

"I apologize," Hawke said. "I know we only met briefly upon my arrival, but Cullen suggested that maybe I should speak to you."

His curiosity grew. "Really? A man I didn't believe thought too highly of me. Interesting."

Hawke smiled. "That's funny, he said the same of you."

She was nervous, he knew this. But why? Patience had always been one of his strongest traits, but the battle between patience and curiosity was waging within. He knew plenty about her, rumors and stories and spirits had all fed him the knowledge he had of the dark haired woman before him. What would bring her here, he wondered.

He was studying her, and Hawke was well aware of his scrutiny. She felt unsure as she paced around his desk, and did everything possible to avoid eye contact. Cullen had told her that if anyone could help her with the questions she had, it would be Solas. But now, in his presence, she wondered if she made a mistake in coming to him. A stranger, an apostate, an elf. What possible insight could he have?

"How long do you wish to delay the inevitable?" Solas asked, breaking the brief silence. "Your reason for coming, of course. There is something you wish to ask, but you do not know how. You're wondering now why you're even here?"

"He said you'd do that too," Hawke told him. "Know why I was here before I even opened my mouth."

Solas laughed. "I may wish to know what else the Inquisitor's advisor has said of me, but I doubt it was all positive. Enough of him. How can I put you at ease?"

Hawke glanced around the room again. "For starters, perhaps somewhere with a bit more privacy?"

"Ah, yes," Solas agreed. "While I enjoy the openness of this space, it does lack for that. Come then, I know just the place." He retrieved his staff and walked toward the door leading to the main tower. "Although you may wish to bring a cloak of some sort, the nights outside Skyhold can be very cold."

"We're going outside of Skyhold?" Hawke asked curiously. "Alright then, meet you at the gate?"

Solas nodded. "I look forward to it."


	2. Chapter 2

The snow crunched softly under their boots as Solas led them away from the main gates of Skyhold. Hawke held her cloak tightly as the winds picked up, white flakes drifting slowly from above. The sky was dark, save for the ominous green tint of light radiating from a fade rift in the distance. "Should we be getting closer to that thing without the Inquisitor?" she asked, doubting Solas' mission was for them to fight demons alone.

"We'll be fine," he assured her as he turned toward an eastern path. "That rift has been cleared of demons, but they've left it unsealed to study its effects on the surrounding landscape."

Hawke shook her head. "I'll never understand the need to study something evil."

Solas glanced over his shoulder. "The rifts aren't necessarily evil," he informed her. "They are simple tears in the Veil, doorways to the Fade. We'll be able to draw upon its energy."

She stopped walking. "We'll what? Just what are we doing out here Solas?"

He turned to face her. "Was that not your intention? A journey into the Fade? It was not a far reach to guess at your need for my company."

Her cheeks flushed slightly under embarrassment. "Am I that obvious?"

"No," Solas assured her. "But I have heard your story. And if I were in your situation, I too might seek a rift mage to help me find something that may be lost to us. Come," he began walking again. "We're almost there."

Hawke followed until the path led way to a large watchtower. The stone structure was barely noticeable behind the vast array of trees that surrounded it and the ivy that clung to its walls. Solas approached the door, and she felt the magic within her stir as he disabled wards that surrounded the entrance. "Been here before?"

Solas nodded. "It is my refuge. Before joining the Inquisition, I had spent most of my time travelling alone. Sometimes the noise of so many is troublesome, and I seek solitude. Whispers of old memories in the Fade led me here, a place abandoned long ago."

"Why does the Inquisition not restore it?" she asked as she followed him inside.

"They've no need," Solas replied as he conjured a small flame in his palm to light their way. "This tower was used before Skyhold was completed, though back then Skyhold was known as Tarasyl'an Te'las. Once the battlements and watchtowers of the main fortress were complete, this place was abandoned. It had served its purpose."

"And now it has a new purpose," Hawke said. "For your solitude."

Solas smiled. "Yes," he said. "I suppose it does. Come."

He led her down a small hallway that led to a large open room. Solas ignited the wood he had piled in the center with the flame he had conjured, and the soft orange light filled the space. Hawke noticed a few personal possessions Solas had kept here; some books, bedding, a basket containing nuts and dried fruit. Not enough to live on your own, but comfortable enough to spend a few hours away from the constant activity of Skyhold. "It warms quickly," she noticed, undoing the ties of her cloak.

"Though I have not studied it, I believe that has something to do with the stone," Solas told her. "It has never been particularly cold here, as if the stone itself protects anyone within. Please, sit," he said gesturing to the assortment of pillows around the fire.

"Some mysteries are best left unknown," Hawke said as she removed her cloak and sat.

"And yet here we are," Solas countered as he settled down onto the pillows next to her. "About to enter the Fade in search of a mystery of your own."

Hawke nodded, but kept her gaze on the dancing flames before them. "You said you knew my story," she stated. "Tell me, what do you know?"

He took a deep breath, feeling the sorrow radiating from her. "What most probably know," he began. "Perhaps a little more from my journeys into the Fade. Rumors of the troubles in Kirkwall spread far beyond the Free Marches, and once the Chantry fell, there was little else anyone spoke about."

"Fell?" She laughed at the word, as it was so far from the truth. "Kirkwall's Chantry didn't fall. It was destroyed. By someone I once loved, held in the highest regard above all. That one moment...changed everything."

"Tell me," Solas pushed. "Tell me of that moment."

She shook her head at first, refusing to relive such a horrid nightmare. But in truth she relived it every night in her dreams, so there was little reason to refuse now. "We were arguing," she began. "Knight Commander Meredith, First Enchanter Orsino. A repeat of one of many arguments about mages vs templars. I was Champion then, it was my duty to try and keep the peace. Even King Alistair asked that I try and protect Kirkwall from the inevitable, and there were rumors and threats of an Exalted March. Yet I couldn't do it. Nothing I ever said got through to those two." Hawke closed her eyes, and for a moment she could sense Anders beside her, feel his breath upon her ear. "'_There can be no compromise' _Anders said, knowing what was about to happen. And then the ground shook so hard there was screaming, confusion, chaos, followed by a deafening silence as we all watched the Chantry fall." She gave a half-hearted laugh. "Well, I suppose 'fall' was the right word after all."

"What happened next?" Solas asked.

"Anger," Hawke replied. "Rage. From Meredith, from my companions, the people of Kirkwall. In that moment all thought of a mage templar divide was forgotten as all eyes turned to the apostate responsible for killing Grand Cleric Elthina, and all those that were inside the Chantry. And after they couldn't stand looking at him anymore, they turned to me, as their Champion, with an unspoken plea for revenge in their eyes."

"And so duty outweighed love?" Solas asked.

"No," Hawke replied in a whisper. "No, it was love that set him free. To the Void with what everyone else thought it was. Anders had a kind heart, he was a good man. He never would have done such a thing on his own."

"Yet clearly he did," Solas stated, slightly confused. He thought for a moment on what she had said, and dared to ask the conclusion he was coming to. "Or are you saying you had some part in this?"

She turned her head to look at him. "Do you really not know? Have your journeys into the Fade not provided you that wisdom? Why is it that you think I want your assistance?"

"Often those that are in mourning wish to find answers in the Fade, reasons for why events happened the way they did," Solas replied. "To do so alone is foolish, but with some help I could be able to show you Kirkwall through the eyes of others, memories that linger from those that were lost there."

"You really don't know," Hawke whispered, turning away from him. "I wasn't sure how much of the story was out there, but I thought for certain being with Varric and Cullen, you'd know."

"They have told me little of Kirkwall. Anything I learned was limited between my travels and my solitude," Solas admitted. "What is it Marian? What is it I need to know?"

Hawke brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Continuing to stare into the fire, she began to tell Solas the story of Justice.


	3. Chapter 3

Solas listened intently as Hawke explained the history of Justice. She recounted the story that Anders had told her; Justice was a spirit they discovered in the Fade when investigating the disappearance of an entire town in the Blackmarsh. The Baroness of the marsh had trapped the village in the Fade and tormented them as punishment for trying to kill her. Justice was attempting to free the villagers from their nightmare when Anders and the Hero of Ferelden had first encountered him. When the Baroness cast a spell to return them to the mortal world, Justice was pulled from the Fade as well, and his spirit trapped within the body of a fallen Warden.

"To be torn physically from the Fade," Solas repeated. "I know far too well the effects that can have on a spirit."

"Anders said that it took some time for Justice to adjust," Hawke continued. "Not only was he a spirit now existing in the mortal world, but he was merging with the memories of the body he had been forced into. The man's name was Kristoff, and he had a somewhat dark past of his own. Anders believed that Kristoff's memories began to shape Justice even more."

Solas nodded. "A merging of mind and spirit, that makes sense. This spirit was learning of the mortal world through the eyes of Kristoff combined with the knowledge it had from the Fade."

"Yes," Hawke agreed. "But Kristoff was dead when Justice was forced into him. His body continued to deteriorate, and so Anders had offered himself to become a host for Justice's spirit."

"Fascinating," Solas commented. "What sort of magic was used to accomplish such a task?"

Hawke shrugged. "I don't know. Anders never went into details about how they merged. Just that after they did so, Anders' memories and experiences began to effect Justice as well. The hardships he had endured as a mage at Kinloch Hold, the mistreatment he had witnessed there and his experiences in Amaranthine. Justice was already harsh in his opinions about the mortal world, and once he joined with Anders, he grew darker. Anders said he turned toward vengeance more than justice."

"But Justice was no longer possessing a corpse," Solas pointed out. "And so Anders' own spirit was struggling to survive against it. The turmoil he must have endured…"

"Destroyed him," Hawke finished. "In the end, Anders couldn't fight any more. Justice was emerging more and more, clouding Anders' judgement and causing him to do things he'd never have done on his own. Their thoughts became one, their actions, the vengeance within him became the driving force to the destruction of the Chantry, the fall of the circles and the start of the mage rebellion."

"So it wasn't a rogue apostate," Solas said. "This spirit started it all, though distorted by the bodies it inhabited."

"And so I was forced to kill him," Hawke concluded. "Anders was no longer in control, no longer the man I loved. He was Justice, he was Vengeance, and he was suffering inside himself. I didn't do it for the people that demanded I do so. I did it for him, to free him, to end his pain."

Solas thought on her words for a moment. "Why pursue this spirit then?" he asked. "What question are you hoping to find an answer to?"

Hawke turned away from Solas. "I've had dreams," she admitted. "That Anders is now trapped in the Fade just as Justice was trapped in the mortal world. That he isn't free, that his pain hasn't ended, but it continues in the Fade. That he is tormented by those he had killed. Justice has abandoned him, and he is all alone, reliving every moment over and over again." She wiped away a few stray tears with the back of her hand. "I did that to him, I trapped him in that nightmare, and Justice owes it to him to save him. I owe it to him."

"Our dreams do not always hold the truth," Solas reminded her. "For us mages especially. It is possible that there is a demon at work here, trying to draw you into the Fade in an effort to control you, feeding off your despair and guilt."

"I know," Hawke whispered. "But I have to make sure it isn't real. That he isn't reaching out to me for help, or that Justice isn't showing this to me in order to save him." She turned to look at him. "I've been foolish to try it on my own, I know this as well. Will you help me Solas? _Can_ you help me?"

The desperation in her eyes made it difficult for him to refuse, though Solas considered doing so. Her emotional state alone would make travelling to the Fade very dangerous; she was all too willing to do whatever it would take to find the answers she was looking for, and he was surprised no demon had taken advantage of that. He also knew she would continue to seek these answers on her own with or without his help, and the Inquisition needed her focused if they had any hope to defeat Corypheus.

"I will help you," he told her. "Though, as you know, the Fade is an unpredictable place. There is no guarantee we will find what you are seeking, and it may bring further disappointment in trying."

"I have to try," Hawke told him. "I have to know that I've done everything I possibly can."

"Alright," Solas replied. "But you must listen to my instructions and do exactly what I tell you."

Hawke perked up at his agreeing to help her. "Anything you say, promise," she told him. "Just tell me what you need me to do."

"First, you need to relax," he told her, continuing to hold her hand. "With you being a mage, it should be easier for me to enter the Fade with you, but your emotional state is key on making it a success."

"What, now?" she asked, her anticipation and excitement growing.

"Yes," he told her. "While it is fresh in both our minds. A trial run, to see if it's even possible."

Hawke took several deep breaths and closed her eyes, attempting to rid herself of all negative emotion. When she felt she had done so successfully, she opened her eyes and looked at him. "I'm ready," she told him.

"Then we shall begin," he said as he released her hand. Solas took a moment to focus on his own breathing, controlling it to match Hawke's. He then conjured a wisp in the palm of his hand and held it up for her to see. "Focus on the light," he told her as the wisp moved through the air between them. "Block out all other thought save for what you see in front of you."

Hawke followed his command, her eyes focusing on the wisp. Its light pulsed between them; brighter, then darker, then lighter again. With the pulsing changes came a faint high pitched hum, and she felt herself becoming more and more relaxed. Her eyelids grew heavy, and before long, they both drifted off into the Fade.


End file.
